Wednesday, March 09, 2011
drowning...
I used to enjoy my Japanese classes.a lot.
now with every new word that comes, with every extra stroke the kanji has, with every change of the colour pen to catch up with new grammar terms and phrases...
i feel suffocated, lost, confused and utmost disappointed at myself that the thing that i used to love and look forward to every week has come down to something that i am avoiding as much as i can and praying hard to survive it with each class.
weirdly, with each hurdle i did not strive to climb higher, faster. instead, i decided to slow down, take some breaks, sip some tea and all these are the mini actions that are sucking the language dry.
slowly but surely.
with language you can take a few breathes, but you have to resume fast after that. you can't take a few breathes then lead to a short sit that leads to flopping on your bed.
doesn't work that way. it's really hard, hard work esp. for people like me who's brains have already went to heaven and decided not to come home to mama.
i am a confused perfectionist.
i would want everything to go the way i would want it to be and yet when it doesn't, i just let go instead of perfecting it and due to this fear of wanting perfection, i choose not to do it at all so that i wouldn't be let down.
it's a crazy battle that goes on inside of me for most things and it's not funny nor amusing in any single way. in fact, its' downright draining for my soul.
sucks me dry.
i sometimes feel like crying to my pathetic self.
it also comes to a point i don't know why am i torturing myself this way. no one asked me to pushed myself for this language. i can stop anytime. i can quit anytime. it's just as easy as letting go. i should be used to it. since i am always afraid of losing, thus quitting is the option. am i not right?
and then out of the blue, you meet one who enjoys japanese so much...so much that it makes you baffled. haha
so much that you can't help but feel envious.
and amidst of me drowning in this pool of ...of this language, he comes and pick me up. holds me and is trying to show me, share with me the same light he sees.
and you can't help thinking maybe with that small lil push, small daily steps, you will prolly find back what was once enjoyable and the reason of why did i even pick up this language to begin with.
ms.bulat emo-emo at 15:36
